Make The Parenting Journey Better
Coaching strategies for dads and co-parents
The Art of Independent Fatherhood
I think every dad has an idea of what fatherhood will be like, but few if any of us actually know for certain until the day we arrive at this solemn responsibility. I didn’t know my own father, so I had few examples of fatherhood to go along with a bunch of half-baked and pre-conceived notions about what the role meant.
When I became a father, I showed up for the job with a ton of baggage from my own childhood. I was not a good communicator. I was not patient, mindful or even compassionate.
I romanticized fatherhood without knowing how to do the gritty stuff.
I borrowed as best I could from an archetype of fathering that was rigid and lacked creativity. It created a lot of difficulty with my wife and eventual co-parent. It didn’t allow me to see my son as a sovereign and intelligent creature, or allow for him to be the teacher and me, the student.
I was hanging on by a thread. At age 5, my son was diagnosed with Type-1 diabetes, an auto-immune disorder that affects the pancreas. Shortly afterwards, his mother and I divorced.
I was forced to look at all of the ways I fell short as a living and feeling human, much less a man, and do so in short order. I went from depending on a nuclear family to patch up my weaknesses, to suddenly parenting 50/50 from a life raft.
Through intensive therapy, guided psychedelics, meditation and journaling I was able to heal many of my childhood wounds. This allowed me to thoughtfully determine how I wanted to parent my son from a place of practical and kind connection.
I often say that being a loving father often feels maternal. I try to lead with my heart. I don’t always get it right, but when I mess up, I listen for ways to improve. I will be my son’s hero until his perception of me no longer meshes with reality, so I work hard to show him that I am flawed and vulnerable too.
I Love coaching dads, whether they are going in alone, happily married or co-parenting. Every problem has a solution, even if it’s not obvious at first. The goal is always to create an environment where children see and feel love as it’s communicated by their role models. This requires doing sometimes really difficult work to believe in our actions, not just fake it for our children’s benefit.
Co-Parenting for whole, separated and divorced couples
This term is most often used in the context of divorce, but let’s be realistic: even if you are in a loving relationship with the other parent, there are still differences in philosophy, demeanor and bandwidth.
Being a consistent parent requires a large degree of self knowledge, not just rigid and unyielding concepts borrowed from parenting books or Instagram accounts (but there’s some good ones out there, too!)
This awareness also allows us to find common ground with the other parent in a way that makes parenting a more collaborative and compassionate affair. The cool thing is that when we find and work to maintain this equilibrium, our kids pay attention and carry these skills into adulthood.
Divorce and separation usually don’t occur in an atmosphere of mutual respect. There’s so much judgment and hurt that at first it’s very hard to see what’s possible. The good news is it’s never too late to start behaving in a conscious and careful manner. Kids might even benefit from observing conflict, and then it’s resolution if it’s done thoughtfully and the dynamic becomes reliable.
Co-parents benefit tremendously from seeing conflict from an objective standpoint, forgiving blame, and working on themselves as individuals, not trying to fix the other person. We do this because it hurts our children to see the two people they love the most entrenched in anger and conflict.
When we learn to process our thoughts and feelings and take personal accountability for all of these things, then we also gain the power to change our lives and our relationships with partners and children for the better.
It can be hard work. Conscious goal-setting ask us to imagine the best version of ourselves and become that person over time. So many people walk through the world taking the path of least resistance, being their default selves with all of the trauma and baggage and garbage, because it’s easier than changing.
By making the necessary changes and holding ourselves accountable , we break generations of cycles and bad habits, we model healthy examples for our children, and we get to enjoy our lives without the burden of fear, animosity and regret.
Do you want to learn more about how working with a coach can help make fatherhood or co-parenting better?
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